


Terminal

by melletsbix



Category: Connor Franta - Fandom, Vlogger, tronnor - Fandom, troye sivan - Fandom, youtube - Fandom
Genre: Cancer, Death, Illness, M/M, Sad, terminal, terminal illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-11
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-07-14 11:49:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7169825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melletsbix/pseuds/melletsbix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Unfortunately, the tumour is cancerous. And we've figured out that it's stage four Glioblastoma Multiforme. There is no found cure to it, but the treatment can make you survive for longer."</p><p>"It's definitely that?"</p><p>"Unfortunately, yes. I'll give you two a moment."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. s y m p t o m s

"Con, are you sure you're okay, babe?" Troye asked quietly as he and Connor walked a little behind the group, steadying his boyfriend slightly as Connor stumbled.

"I- uh- y-yeah." He sounded in pain to even speak or think, and Troye was worried. It had been okay at first; Connor just got migraines a lot, resulting in him vomiting quite a bit, and got light-headed easily. This wasn't okay. He'd lost his appetite, he was having trouble doing the simplest of things, he'd forget things way too easily and Troye could see something was wrong. Connor's looked paler and more fragile, and Troye was scared.

"Connor." Troye tried gently, placing his hand on Connor's arm as Connor just shook his head ever so slightly, before his eyes widened and his hand shot up to cover his mouth. "Babe are you gonna be sick?" Troye asked gently, and Connor just nodded sheepishly as Troye quickly dragged him over to the nearest bin, ignoring their worried friends as he rubbed Connor's back while Connor puked up the remnants of his breakfast into the trash can.

"So-sorry." Connor stuttered out between gags, glancing up at Troye briefly before continuing. Troye's worry got worse.

"Are you done, love?" Troye asked softly, still rubbing Connor's back gently as Connor stood up straight again and looked down, his face a little paler as his and Troye's friends watched the two worriedly.

"Yeah, Tro." Connor said, his voice almost as quiet as a whisper as he looked around at the setting he was in. Zoe walked over and tapped Troye on the arm.

"What's up with him?" She asked, care clear in her tone.

"I'm not sure. I'll find out though, I think we're gonna head back to his now though, I don't want him getting himself more sick." Troye told her with a small, obviously fake, smile.

"Alright, travel safe and text me if you need to."

*        *        *

"Go to sleep, baby." Troye requested softly, stroking Connor's hair as he sat by his exhausted figure.

"B-but.." Connor mumbled something incoherent and before Troye could question him he was finally asleep.

"I love you." Troye whispered, kissing Connor's hair briefly before he got up and left Connor's room, to see Ricky walk out of his room.

"Oh, you two back so soon?" He asked curiously and loudly, and Troye put a finger over his own lips to signal silence as he quietly clicked the door shut.

"Shh, and yeah. He was sick so I-"

"He puked?" Ricky interrupted, shuddering slightly.

"Yup- anyway I didn't want him getting himself too sick, he's been dizzy and with a headache all day so maybe it's that." Troye sighed at the end, rubbing his face slightly.

"Is that all? You seem really worried, Troye- want to go have a tea and talk?" Ricky suggested with a warm smile, and Troye nodded with a grateful one.

"He's just- I don't know this isn't just a one time thing but he keeps saying he's fine, I know he's not but- I don't know." Troye began to ramble but stopped himself by taking a deep breath and looked back at Ricky.

"He should get everything checked out-"

"Ricky, this is Connor we're on about. How the hell am I gonna convince him to go to a hospital?"

*        *        *

"Troye I really don't wanna go." Connor complained quietly as Troye began the drive to the hospital, and Troye simply shook his head, continuing to drive down the highway on the way to the hospital; he'd booked a check-up for Connor to get everything checked out.

"Connor I just want to make sure it's nothing to worry about, okay?" Troye said softly, getting a grumbled 'okay' in return from Connor as Connor glanced out of the window and sighed, wincing slightly to himself at the headache he had. His fingers were also tingling slightly, so he flexed his hands repeatedly until the feeling faded and he could relax for a moment, only for everything to go a little blurry in his vision, causing him to panic slightly. But he didn't want Troye to worry about him any more, so he kept it to himself, ignoring how loud everything seemed and how everything was more there and he was panicking a bit and the weird tingling feeling was back in both hands. Then he just lost the ability to do anything, almost as if he wasn't there, he wasn't in control of his body anymore. He couldn't talk, he couldn't swallow, he could barely hold himself up as his body slumped forwards and his head hung down.

Connor mumbled something before his jaw seemed to tighten on it's own and he clenched his teeth together, accidentally biting his tongue. He could barely breath and his leg had started shaking. He had no clue what was going on and everything was still blurry.

"Connor?" Troye asked as he saw Connor's hunched over figure from the corner of his eye. After getting no reply he glanced over momentarily to see Connor's leg spasming slightly and to hear the laboured breaths Connor was taking that seemed way to shallow. "Con, babe?" He tried again, his eyes back on the road as he saw a place to pull over and quickly did so, stopping the car and unbuckling his seatbelt as he turned in his seat to see Connor better. He had no clue what to do.

He thought for a moment before he unbuckled Connor's seatbelt, almost sending Connor falling forwards if he hadn't grabbed him, and quickly put the seat's back back a little so there was more room as Connor was still unresponsive, his leg still jerking randomly as Troye eased him back so he was laying down, carefully helping Connor to relax his clenched fists as he gently rolled him on his side. Troye then called an ambulance, his hands shaking as Connor's other leg began to shake slightly and Connor drooled a little, his head lolling about.

" _911 operator, what's your emergency?_ " A girl said down the phone and Troye took a breath before saying all he could think of.

"I n-need help." Troye stuttered out, making sure he was speaking clearly as he watched Connor's arms tense and shake as well now.

" _What's happened please, sir?_ "

"My- my boyfriend and I were driving and then he just started- I don't know he's not responding when I glanced over he was hunched over and his entire body's shaking I don't know what's happening-" Troye took a steadying breath, forcing himself not to panic as the operator replied.

" _Okay does your boyfriend have any history with seizures, at all?_ "

"Not at all. I was just taking him to the doctors for a check up- he's had headaches a lot recently and has been puking a- a lot. He keeps getting light-headed. Fuck what do I do please help."

" _Okay, sir I'd like you to make sure he's on his side, just so he doesn't choke on anything if he-_ "

"I've- I've got him on his side already."

" _Okay, and are you both still in the car?_ "

"Yes, I pulled over though- we're on the highway."

" _Which highway, sir?_ "

"I don't- I don't know! I don't live here! It's uh- it's the 405 I- I think."

" _In Los Angeles, by Long Beach, correct?_ "

"Y-yes."

" _Okay, someone's on their way. What's your name, please?_ "

"Troye Mellet, and my boyfriend's is Connor Franta."

" _Okay, Troye, an ambulance is on its way they shouldn't be long- how old is Connor, please?"_

"He's 23 years old."

" _Alright, could you please check that Connor is breathing okay?_ "

Troye sniffled and put the phone on loud speaker, answering a small yes as he carefully wiped some drool away from Connor's face before he held his hand a few inches from Connor's mouth, feeling shallow breaths hit it gently.

"He's breathing, but they're a little qui-quick." Troye told the operator, running a hand through his hair as the operator made a sound of recognition and asked another question.

" _How far up the highway are you, do you know, Troye?_ "

"I- we're-" Troye glanced at the navigator perched on the dashboard, "We're three miles ish from Long Beach Community Hospital."

" _Okay, listen out for sirens, Troye. What does the car look like that you're in?_ "

"It's- it's black and it has a sunroof, we're on the side of the road by a road sign- I'm not sure what the number plate is- fuck Connor oh god he just hit his head." Troye told the operator in a worried tone, and he heard sirens in the distance.

" _Okay, try to put something there to cushion his head from anything._ "

"I hear sirens." Troye was still forcing himself to stay calm as the sirens got louder and eventually he spotted an ambulance in the distance, "An ambulance is near I think- we're at the side of the road by the red van."

" _Okay, Troye. Just keep checking Connor's still breathing._ "

*        *        *

"Family of Connor Franta?" A nurse called out, and Troye's head shot up as he looked over at the nurse with a clipboard. He quickly walked over.

"Hi, I'm his boyfriend- is he, um, is he okay?" Troye asked, wringing his hands together as he glanced down.

"Come with me." Is all the nurse said before leading Troye down some hallways and to a room with a sleeping Connor in it.

"He's just asleep, right?" Troye checked, and the nurse nodded with a fake laugh, before a doctor walked in with a clipboard.

"Ah, are you Connor's boyfriend- the one that called an ambulance?"

"Uh, that would be me, yes." Troye said quietly, glancing over at Connor and then back at the doctor, "Is he- is he okay?"

"You may want to sit down, uh..." The doctor trailed off, glancing at his clipboard.

"Troye. My name is Troye."

"Right, Troye, please take a seat." Troye did as asked, albeit a little nervous, and sat down, biting his lip subconsciously. "You were on your way to this hospital anyway, right? With Connor?"

"Uh, yeah. He's gotten all like... All weird recently.." Troye began to explain what had happened to Connor over his trip to America and the doctor nodded, jotting things down, "And then that happened in the car- what was that by the way?"

"It was a seizure." The doctor looked sympathetic as Troye nodded, looking down. A moment of silence passed as the doctor looked at his notes again, "We would like to do an MRI scan on Connor, do you know what that is?" Troye shook his head, a little embarrassed, "MRI stands for Magnetic Resonance Imaging, and it basically can scan certain parts of the body for abnormalities. We aren't sure what's up but something is definitely wrong- an MRI scan would help us to diagnose what's wrong."

"Uh.. How does it- how does it happen?"

"So Connor will be put on a flat bed-type-thing, and then we will scan his brain, he won't be put to sleep or anything he can be awake and talking and such." The doctor explained, and Troye nodded.

"I'll talk to him, and is he okay for now?"

"Well, for now, we have some medication for the migraines he's getting, which should also help with the vomiting, and, in case he has a seizure again, we have a little booklet for you and anyone else who is close friends with him so you know what to do, okay?" The doctor said with a small smile, and Troye let out a breath, nodding again.

*        *        *

"Connor, it's okay, really babe it is." Troye tried to calm Connor down as he sat balled up in the car, refusing to get out after his over night stay at the hospital.

"No! It's so embarrassing Troye. I don't like this!" Connor was sobbing by then, his face buried into his hands as Troye got out of the car, walked around to Connor's side and gently pulled Connor up.

"It's okay, you're okay." Troye promised, cupping Connor's jaw as he brush his thumb over Connor's skin.

"Okay."

The two walked inside, Connor sniffling slightly as he looked down at the floor, not bothering to look up when him and Troye walked through the lounge, where Kian, JC and Ricky were all sat.

"Hey guys!" Troye said upon walking into the room, holding Connor's hand as Connor clutched at his medication and small booklet, still looking down at the ground.

"Can I go sleep, Tro?" Connor asked quietly, and Troye glanced over and nodded, walking upstairs with him so they could talk a little.

"Do you want me to tell them what happened?" Troye asked as Connor took his jeans off and climbed into his bed.

"Not really- I don't want to tell them at all."

"Connor they have to know in case it happens again, love." Troye said softly, stroking Connor's hair as Connor shut his eyes and sighed out in frustration.

"I know, I'm sorry. Please can you tell them for me?" Connor sniffled, turning on his side in an attempt to block out the harsh sunlight that made the headache he had worse.

"Of course I will. Do you have a headache or anything?" Troye checked and Connor nodded slightly, his eyes still shut as he curled up, "Sit up, baby. You need to take these with water." Connor nodded again and slowly sat up, taking the glass of water and two pills to take effortlessly.

"Shut the blinds?" Connor requested, smiling slightly and laying back down as Troye shut the curtains and turned off the light.

"Sleep well, Connie." Troye said softly, walking out of the room and clicking the door shut quietly before walking back down to the lounge with the booklet in hand.

"Hey Troye, is Connor sleeping again?" Ricky asked with a small smile, before eyeing the booklet Troye had opened and was looking through as he walked over to a couch, taking a seat.

"Yeah, he's shattered." Troye said quietly, still glancing at the pages about what to do in different situations before Kian spoke.

"So... What happened at the hospital, why were y'all there over night?" Troye shut the booklet and put it on his lap, leaning forwards on his elbows as he looked up at the boys.

"So... On the way to the hospital Connor had a.. he had a seizure, but I didn't know what it was so I called an ambulance and stuff, and then- and now they want to do an MRI scan on him for abnormalities in his brain and stuff. I got information on the seizures and headaches and things, what to do- you guys should probably read through it in case he has one again and I'm not here." JC looked surprised, Kian looked anxious and Ricky just looked worried.

"Is he okay?" Ricky asked, and Troye shrugged, before burying his face into his hands.

"I don't know."

*        *        *

" _Troye? Troye darling why aren't you on the flight home?_ " Laurelle asked through Skype, and Troye smiled weakly at her.

"I have to stay here, mum. Something's up with Connor." Troye told her, running a hand through his hair as she tilted her head.

" _Troye baby I'm sure you can come back for a month, no? I'm sure it's not too bad, okay?_ " Laurelle tried to assure him and convince him to come home for a month or so but Troye just shook his head.

"Mum, I have to stay. I gotta go with him to the MRI and just make sure it's all okay."

" _Wait- MRI?? Like a scan thing?_ " Laurelle asked, worried and wide eyed as Troye nodded calmly.

"He had a seizure, mum."

" _Oh, baby is he okay?_ " She asked, and Troye shrugged.

"I have to stay, okay mum?" Troye checked, and Laurelle nodded defeatedly, sighing, "Can you tell dad, and Sage and Tyde that I won't be home for a little while?"

" _Of course, Tokkie_."

*        *        *

"Thanks for coming on such short notice, I need to go over the MRI scan photos with you, Connor. Would you like Troye to be here or not for this?" The doctor asked with a small, sympathetic smile that confused Connor. He knew there was something wrong without the doctor even saying anything.

"Troye's staying." Connor said firmly, gripping onto Troye's hand tightly as the doctor got out the scan photos.

"So this is the scan photo most useful to us, of your brain. And, this little off-coloured thing right there," The doctor gestured with a pen to a weird shaped whiter mark on the scan, glancing up at Troye and Connor's confused expressions, "It's a tumour, unfortunately. We can't be sure what kind of tumour it is or if it is fatal or not. We're going to look at this some more, look through the other photos and then we can talk about a possible surgery to remove as much of it as we can if the section is accessible." Connor looked down at the floor, he was just so confused. A tumour?

"Connor, babe?" Troye said softly, and Connor looked up with red eyes, the tears swimming through them clearly as Troye just opened his arms and held back his own emotions. "I love you." Troye whispered as Connor shifted to bury his face into Troye's chest, wrapping his arms around Troye tightly.

"We aren't sure exactly what it is yet, so please don't worry too much. We'll call some time in the following week about it. Do you need a minute?" The doctor asked, and Troye looked up and nodded, rubbing Connor's back gently. The doctor left the room and Connor continued to cry.

"What if- what if it's r-really b-bad?" Connor stuttered out, a breathy sob falling from his mouth as he looked up at Troye, his eyes wide and a pout set on his lips.

"We'll figure that out if and when we get there, okay baby?" Troye said softly, stroking Connor's hair gently as Connor sniffled and buried his face into Troye's shoulder, "But I am going to be with you for every step of the way, because I love you."

"I l-love you too."

*        *        *

It was a week before Connor's surgery, and Connor wanted to go out for a meal with some friends, because he hadn't told them yet.

"Uh, guys?" Connor asked quietly, trying to get everyone's attention as Troye's hand found itself on the small of Connor's back. The two had had some more information on the tumour, and what the doctors thought it was.

"Yas Connor?" Mamrie said loudly, getting everyone to shut up as they leant forwards slightly.

"So- uh- hm," Connor coughed, wincing at the pain that shot through his head, "Um, I have been putting off mentioning something to y'all..." Troye put his other hand on top of Connor's, that was on the table, and looked around at Ingrid, Hannah, Grace, Mamrie, Joey, Tyler and Korey's worried faces.

"You can tell us anything, Connor." Ingrid said confidently, and Connor nodded, taking a deep breath and looking over at Troye for a brief second.

"I'm going for surgery next week and, um-"

"Wait hold up hold up hold up- surgery?" Korey asked, a frown on his face as Connor nodded slightly, his eyes on his hand that Troye was holding, "Why?"

"Um, I got a brain tumour." Connor said quietly, and Ingrid, who was sat next to Connor, gasped.

"Oh my god, Con!" She exclaimed, hugging him tightly as the others looked confused.

"Sorry, what did you say, Con?" Tyler asked softly, seeing the tears threatening to spill as he shook his head and turned to Troye desperately.

"Cancer, Ty. They found a tumour in his brain and think it's cancer. They're gonna take as much of it out as they can and look at it to see what it is and then we go from there." Troye explained, wrapping his arm around Connor more firmly as Connor shifted his chair closer to Troye so he could cuddle up a little in comfort. Connor looked up at Troye, sniffled and said two simple words in the most fragile voice Troye had ever seen; that was the moment Troye's heart started to break for his love.

"I'm scared."


	2. d i a g n o s i s

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Unfortunately, the tumour is cancerous. And we've figured out that it's stage four Glioblastoma Multiforme. There is no found cure to it, but the treatment can make you survive for longer."
> 
> "It's definitely that?"
> 
> "Unfortunately, yes. I'll give you two a moment."

"I'll be waiting right out there the whole time, alright?" Troye promised Connor, holding his soft hand in both of his as Connor lay on the hospital bed on wheels in a pre-operative area. Connor nodded slightly, glancing down at the hand Troye wasn't holding to look at the intravenous drip connected to his wrist.

"Okay." Connor whispered fearfully, his hands quaking weakly as he looked around the room he was in.

"Connor, when was your last meal?" A nurse asked for the tenth time, and Connor sighed before telling them truthfully that he hadn't eaten since the night prior. He took a shaky but deep breath and looked at Troye for reassurance again.

"It'll all go okay, and I'll be right here when you wake up." Troye told him, and Connor nodded again, a small smile taking over his face as Troye gave his hand a gentle squeeze.

"I love you." Connor mumbled to Troye, who nodded and leant over to kiss Connor's head.

"I love you too, baby." He promised, and then the anaesthesiologist walked in with a warm smile.

"It's time for," The anaesthesiologist paused to glance down at some notes on a clipboard, "Troye to go now, Connor." He informed Connor, who nodded and looked up at Troye anxiously for a final time.

"I love you." Connor's voice was soft as he uttered the words, and Troye squeezed his hand and replied with the same thing before he was lead out of the room and to a waiting area, where he was to anxiously wait for Connor to finish in surgery.

* * *

When Connor next woke up, the last thing he remembered was saying he loved Troye and then nothing. He squinted his eyes open to see the same anaesthesiologist that he remembered entering the pre-op room stood by the bed he was laying on. He slowly blinked and trailed his eyes along the walls of the room.

"Ah, Connor you're awake. Take some deep breaths, please." The anaesthesiologist requested after Connor seemed ever so slightly more alert, and Connor did so while the breathing tube was removed from his windpipe. "We're going to get you to the ICU now, alright? Troye's already there waiting for you, and he's said that your parents and some siblings are on their way."

Connor was wheeled to the Intensive Care Unit and into a room where two nurses were already getting things ready, and his bed on wheels was positioned correctly.

"Where's... Where's Troye?" Connor mumbled with wide and anxious eyes, and one of the nurses tilted her head before glancing over the basic information on Connor and who was allowed in the room.

"I'll go and grab him for you- Vic, get his bed positioned properly." The nurse said, leaving quickly to the waiting room for that section of the hospital to retrieve Troye.

"Troye Mellet?" She called, and Troye stood immediately, Connor's mother, father and one of his brothers also getting up from his side.

"That would be me- is he okay?" Troye asked in a rushed and nervous voice, and the nurse just looked at the other figures for a second, "This is his mom, Cheryl, dad, Peter, and brother, Brandon." Troye explained, and the nurse nodded after checking they were on the notes.

"Surgery went well from what the doctors know so far. They're going to examine the tumour they got out to see what it is and if it's definitely cancerous. In either a day or two days, depending on Connor's recovery, we'll run another MRI scan." The nurse quickly explained, "I'm Karen by the way, I'll be one of Connor's nurses while he's in the ICU for his recovery. I'm guessing you'll be here a lot of the time." She smiled and shook each of their hands before leading them to Connor's room. She stopped outside. "He's been pining for Troye, so we'll have just him in for a few minutes, and then we'll see how Connor feels, alright?" Karen got nods from the Frantas stood there, and lead Troye into the room. Troye felt his heart warm and break simultaneously at the sight of Connor; his head had been shaven to prevent any infections, there was dressing over the part of his head that had been operated on, there was a tube going into his nose, a clip on his thumb and the intravenous infusion drip was still in his wrist, a breathing mask was strapped onto his face and Connor's eyes were half open, a sleepy smile on his face as he saw Troye enter the room.

"Troye..." He mumbled happily, his eyes sparkling as Troye walked over and sat beside him.

"Hey baby, how are you feeling?" Troye asked softly, leaning over to kiss Connor's cheek ever so gently.

"Okay... I don't really feel very much- what's this?" Connor questioned drowsily, his hand unsteadily being lifted so he could examine the multiple tubes going into his wrist and the clip on his thumb.

"That's how we put the medicine in." Karen told Connor from across the room, listening in to the conversation with a light smile, and Connor's eyes flitted over to her momentarily.

"The surgery's done already?" Connor mumbled confusedly, and Troye nodded with a tiny giggle.

"Yeah, you did really well, kitten." Troye assured him, his voice still soft and gentle as Connor became more alert. Connor smiled a little at Troye and then shut his eyes for a few seconds.

"Yay." He whispered sleepily, and Troye rolled his eyes slightly, before remembering his parents and Brandon stood outside the room.

"Can your mum and dad and Brandon come in, Con? They've come all the way from Minnesota, remember?" Troye checked, and Connor nodded after a moment.

"Okay..."

"Actually- we need to do some checks on Connor, would you go and wait outside with his family for a little while? We'll come out and get you when we're done." The other nurse in the room, Vicky, asked, and Troye nodded before leaving the room.

* * *

"Alright Connor, so we'll do one last check up for now and then you can start home treatment. Don't forget your appointments once a week for the next few months and, uh, Troye could I have a word?" Connor's doctor asked on the last day of his in-hospital recovery, and Troye nodded, walking to the corner of Connor's room. "So, when operating, as I've mentioned before, the surgeon had to get quite close to a part of his frontal lobe to remove as much of the tumour as possible. He had to operate quite close to some emotional processing parts of his Limbic system so his emotions may be a little bit out of order for most of the recovery." Troye nodded, understanding most of the doctor's words confidently.

"Okay, so, like, crying randomly and stuff..?"

"Well- Think of it as bipolar disorder for now- his emotions are uncontrollable and might not communicate well with how he's portraying it. For example he might cry when he's happy and laugh when he's sad. Ask him how he's feeling if you're unsure." Troye nodded, and then the procedure of getting Connor ready to go back to the O2L house began; he had a room prepared downstairs, where the dining room would normally be set up.

Troye drove Connor home cautiously and slower than he would drive on his own and when they arrived at the O2L house Troye noticed Connor looking teary eyed.

"How are you feeling, love?" Troye asked, and Connor sniffled.

"I'm happy to be home." He told Troye, blinking away tears before holding out his hand, making sure his beanie was in place, and taking Troye's as a help to get up; his legs were a little weak from not being used properly for a while.

"Let's go inside yeah? We'll get you in your room downstairs and just chill." Troye promised, and Connor nodded again as Troye lead him inside the O2L house.

"Surprise!" Multiple people screeched when Troye turned on the lights of the lounge, and both he and Connor jumped slightly.

"Hi." Connor greeted the mass of friends stood in his lounge with a small smile, his eyes roaming the small crowd to see people from England and other parts of America there too.

"Welcome home, Conrad!" Ricky exclaimed happily, not too intent on greeting him properly as he and the other O2L boys had been allowed to visit Connor multiple times while he was in the hospital.

* * *

"Are you sure, Connor?" Troye asked as they sat in Connor's car, about to meet up with some friends at Disneyland.

"Yeah, I really want to go, Tro." Connor whined, pouting at Troye with wide eyes for a few seconds, making sure Troye had given and that his beanie was nicely positioned before climbing out of the car. Troye sighed, following the excitable Connor out and to the point they'd agreed to meet up with Tyler, Korey, Joey, Grace, Mamrie, Hannah, Ingrid and Lily.

"My boys! How are you?" Joey asked happily when he spotted the two and was sure they'd be able to hear him.

"Okay." Connor told him with a grin, "Excited."

"Connor, you're not going on many rides though, okay? We don't want to do any damage to your head since you're still recovering." Troye stated firmly, and Connor noticeably deflated slightly, sighing over-dramatically.

"Fine."

And everything went well for a little while, the group of friends went on some small rides for Connor and then went on bigger rides while Troye and Connor waited on benches. But then things started to go a little wrong, slowly but surely.

"T-Tro?" Connor asked, jaw stiff and his fists clenched at his sides as Troye glanced up from his phone.

"What, love?" Troye asked softly, before noticing how stiff Connor seemed when Connor suddenly moved his hand to rest on Troye's leg.

"I feel- weird-" Connor mumbled slowly, and Troye turned on the bench they were sat on worriedly.

"What kind of weird, baby?" He questioned, carefully taking Connor's clenched fist in his hands and forcing Connor to look at him with drowsy looking eyes.

"I- I don't know. Like- it was in the- in the c-car." Connor was finding it more and more difficult to talk the more he resisted the oncoming seizure, and Troye started to notice this. "Troye." Connor whined anxiously, and Troye turned Connor to face him fully, keeping a hand on Connor's and another holding his jaw.

"Like when you had the seizure?" Troye asked, getting a delayed nod in reply from Connor as Connor bit down on his lip fearfully.

"I don't- I don't like- like it." Connor told Troye, shaking his head with glassy wide eyes as Troye pulled him close, cradling Connor in his lap.

"I know, baby, I know." Troye cooed gently, glancing up to see some fans stood around and his and Connor's friends getting off of the rollercoaster they'd just been on.

"Tr-Troye." Connor mumbled desperately, before he finally gave in to the seizure and started to shake.

"Alright, baby, okay. Stay calm." Troye whispered into Connor's ear as their friends walked over to see Troye trying to get people in the surrounding area to get away.

"Troye? What's-" Tyler started, before seeing what was going on with Connor and immediately starting to gesture everyone away as Troye carefully manoeuvred Connor to lay on his side on the ground, shrugging his jacket off and folding it up as a makeshift pillow for Connor.

"Shh baby. It's okay. You're okay." Troye promised, making sure Connor didn't hit himself or anything in the short amount of time that he jerked around on the floor, and when Connor came to again, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion, Troye gently caressed his face, "Hey baby. Are you okay?" Troye asked gently, and Connor tilted his head to the side, his beanie falling off at the motion, confusedly.

"..What happened..?" Connor mumbled in a disorientated way, and Troye leant down to kiss his head.

"You had another seizure, kitten." Troye informed him, and Connor gasped.

"In- in public?" He asked quietly, and Troye nodded with a small smile, gingerly stroking the tiny hairs just starting to grow back on Connor's scalp.

"Are you okay, Con?" Tyler asked hesitantly, and Connor nodded, about to sit up when Troye's hand on his chest restricted him.

"We're gonna wait a little bit, okay? We have to make sure you're all okay."

* * *

A quiet sob erupted from Connor's throat as he sat on his (and Troye's, technically) bed. He was on his phone, scrolling through twitter when he saw what was all over twitter, and what was trending worldwide.

'#whatsupwithconnor'

He began to read through the tweets, sniffling to himself as tears ran down his face; there were photos and videos of him a few days prior at Disneyland surfacing, and he didn't like it. Not one bit.

'what the fuck was that with connor in disneyland? #whatsupwithconnor'

'was he having a seizure? lol #whatsupwithconnor'

'where's his hair? #whatsupwithconnor'

'is he okay? i hope he is <3 #whatsupwithconnor'

'lol when did he shave his head? #whatsupwithconnor'

'omg i saw the videos from disney- is he okay?! #whatsupwithconnor'

'omg did connor have a seizure? i send my love <3 #whatsupwithconnor'

But the last one was what made him cry louder.

'what the fuck was that? some sort of cancer? lmao wot a spaz #whatsupwithconnor'

Troye heard Connor's loud sobs, and hurried into his room from the lounge, where Kian and Ricky were playing Mario Cart.

"Con? Baby what's wrong?" Troye asked worriedly, rushing over to Connor as Connor threw his phone at the mattress, curling up into a ball.

"They- they're talking about me." Connor whimpered, sniffling and burying his face into his hands.

"What? Connor what do you- what the fuck?" Troye growled at Connor's phone, letting out an angry exhale at some of the rude words, "They have no fucking clue what they're talking about."

"But- th-they- I hate this!" Connor practically screamed the last part, slamming his clenched fist down into his comforter and bunching it up in his hands.

"Hey, shhh, I know." Troye soothed him, opening up his arms for Connor to cuddle into, and a tiny smile settled onto his face as Connor threw his arms around Troye weakly, sniffling and whimpering.

"It's not- it's not fair." Connor whined, letting out a choked breath.

"I know, kitten. It's gonna be okay though, alright?" Troye continued to soothe Connor until Connor had cried himself to sleep, and then he pulled out his phone, opening Twitter to angrily craft some angry tweets.

'to everyone who's tweeted under #whatupwithconnor, have some fucking consideration. I'm glad to have some of you guys's support...'

'but connor's just cried himself to sleep from some of the tweets on that fucking tag. have some fucking respect'

* * *

"So we've looked at the tumour a lot, and although we didn't get all of it out, barely half, we have been able to see what it is." Connor's doctor paused to smile sympathetically at the couple holding hands, "Unfortunately, the tumour is cancerous. And we've figured out that it's stage four Glioblastoma Multiforme. There is no found cure to it, but the treatment can make you survive for longer." Connor let out a sob, and Troye tried to hold it together, his voice cracking as he questioned the doctor.

"Um- well- what treatment options are there?"

"Radiotherapy and Chemotherapy together, or just one of them. It's up to Connor in the end." The doctor explained, though the only response from Connor was a whimper.

"It's definitely Glioblastoma Multiforme?" He asked in a small and afraid voice, getting a sad nod in reply.

"Unfortunately, yes. I'll give you two a moment."


	3. t r e a t m e n t

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Unfortunately, the tumour is cancerous. And we've figured out that it's stage four Glioblastoma Multiforme. There is no found cure to it, but the treatment can make you survive for longer."
> 
> "It's definitely that?"
> 
> "Unfortunately, yes. I'll give you two a moment."

Connor took a deep breath, sitting in front of Troye on his bed as he pressed record on the camera.

"Uh, hey what's up you guys, it's Connor..." He started sadly, smiling slightly when Troye squeezed his hand and kissed his shoulder from behind, "So, this is going to be the last... Typical video on this channel. And- And before you get angry, there's, um, there's a very valid reason that I'm choosing to do this." He took another deep breath, leaning into Troye some more and biting his lip, "I got some medical results back recently and... And I have brain cancer. It's Glioblastoma Multiforme, stage IV, and it's..." His eyes welled up again and he looked down, "It's incurable." A bitter laugh left him as Troye rubbed gentle circles into his hand, "So... Yeah. I've decided to not make 'proper' videos on this channel anymore, but maybe some daily vlog style ones and little updates on how I am... I'm not sure yet, just- don't be expecting weekly- weekly v-videos." He sniffled, wiping his eyes before the tears could fall.

"Hey, its okay, my lovely. Do you want me to talk?" Troye asked softly, kissing Connor's shoulder again as Connor shook his head determinedly.

"I think that's all I wanted to say. I'm, uh, I'm starting chemoradiotherapy soon to make sure I survive for as long as I can. I'm hanging in here, and Troye's here to support me so... Yeah. I fucking love you guys. Keep spreading the love and I'll still be Tweeting and maybe Snapchatting and I'll Instagram- but things are going to change a little. If you're going to leave hate or anything negative in the comments please fuck off, and- and unsubscribe because I don't need the negativity around." Connor rambled, and Troye nodded along with him, smiling at the camera when he was mentioned, "So yeah, leave a like if you enjoyed..." He did his usual outro and then stopped the recording, flopping back and wiping his tears with a sad sigh.

* * *

Connor was shaking as Troye walked him in to his first ever session of chemotherapy. There was also a plan to put Connor into sessions of radiotherapy as well, but the doctor had recommended allowing time for Connor to get used to the chemotherapy first before adding parts.

"Hello, Connor!" A cheery nurse greeted Connor, before turning to Troye with a grin, "And you are?"

"Ah, the boyfriend. Troye." Troye told her, smiling a little as she nodded.

"Well, follow me then. This is your first session of treatment, so we won't put too high of a dosage in, and we'll give Troye here some pills in case you are getting nauseous and such." The nurse droned on as she lead them to a private room with a bed and a chair, "Right, if you'll sit here please, Connor. I need to put in the needle..." She paused, waiting as Connor shifted himself to sit down in the bed comfortably and Troye took a seat next to him, holding the hand of the arm that wasn't being washed quickly so the IV could be put in, "Deep breath in," The nurse advised, and Connor did so, squeezing Troye's hand as the needle went in, "And out. There you go. I'll be back in about an hour or so, and there's a button there if there's an emergency."

And then the nurse was gone.

"This feels weird." Connor mumbled, his eyes trailing along the tube feeding his arm the yellow liquid curiously.

"It will, love. You brought your laptop, right?" Troye checked, and Connor nodded, gesturing to it in his bag.

"Can you get it for me? I want to make a little vlog type thing, on the 'potato camera' as Dan calls it." Connor seemed quite happy today, and Troye wasn't about to ruin that, so he quickly grabbed the laptop and set it on Connor's lap, watching as he spoke about how things were, holding his hand up to show the camera his wrist at one point and making a weird face that made Troye smile.

* * *

Connor put on a smile as Trevor and Sam walked through the door, looking worried. They hadn't seen Connor in person since before any of this started.

"Oh my God, Connor! I missed you!" Trevor squealed, running over as he usually would to envelope Connor in a hug, even if it was more gentle than usual. A similar, slightly less excitable, greeting went on with Sam, and then the two sat down on a couch beside Troye and Connor, watching as Troye gave Connor worried glances.

The chemotherapy side-effects had kicked in the day before, only two days after the first treatment, sending Connor into a few fits of vomiting, making him exhausted, and Connor was complaining that all the food given to him tasted weird.

"You okay?" Troye checked quietly, and Connor just yawned in reply, nuzzling his face into Troye's shoulder in silent request for a cuddle, leaning into Troye more and more as he got sleepier and sleepier until he'd fallen asleep, his face buried into Troye's thigh.

"How is he?" Sam asked worriedly when he was sure Connor was unconscious, and Troye sighed as he ran his fingers through Connor's silky hair, that could start to fall out soon.

"He's okay. Usual reactions to chemotherapy; vomiting, getting tired to easily, more forgetful, his headaches are worse." Troye told them sadly, and Trevor nodded in a fearful way as Sam glanced down for a moment.

"And how are you, Tro?" He asked, intently looking at Troye as he sighed again.

"I- I don't know. I don't want to lose him. He's the best thing that ever happened to me, you know? And in a year and a half he could be gone. I don't know how to feel about that, but I'm trying to stay positive, for him." Troye confessed, tearing up slightly but refusing to let anything out as Sam nodded.

"If you ever want to talk about this, I'm here, dude." Sam promised, and Troye nodded, letting his head fall back onto the couch.

"I'm not the one suffering, he is. He's going to lose over half of his life because of some stupid fucking cancer. I think I'll be alright, I'll keep my chin up."

* * *

"Troye!" Connor whimpered from the bathroom, a sob on the tip of his tongue as Troye ran in, fearing he was puking again or having a seizure.

"What's wrong, baby?" He asked softly at the door, confused as to why Connor was tearing up as he looked in the mirror. Connor just whimpered in response, examining the comb he'd been using to tame his hair sadly, before showing it to Troye.

"M-my hair is f-falling out." The sob escaped his mouth mid-sentence, and Troye looked sympathetic as he walked over to Connor and hugged him from behind, kissing his bare shoulder gently.

"That's okay." He whispered, and Connor shook his head, continuing to go through his matted hair and pull out little parts that were ready to fall out as he cried, "I love you. I love you with or without hair. You're still my Connie."

"I love you too." Connor sobbed, turning around to bury his face into Troye's shoulder, not wanting to see himself if there was some hair absent.

"It'll be alright." Troye soothed, rubbing Connor's back and frowning at how the hair was thinning and matted in different places of Connor's scalp. He silently bet that in a week it would all be gone.

* * *

Connor preferred chemotherapy to radiotherapy, he decided, since sometimes with radiotherapy he had to stay overnight, because he was doing both types of treatment, and because it was more uncomfortable to him. It also made his hair fall out faster, meaning that within five days, instead of Troye's secret bet of a week, Connor's hair was practically gone.

"I hate it." Connor mumbled, tugging his grey beanie onto his head more securely as Troye shook his head, leading him by hand into the hospital for another session of chemo.

"You look adorable either way, with or without hair, with or without beanie. You still look adorable and cute and cuddly." Troye was still insisting this, because it was the truth to him, and he wouldn't give it up, even if Connor didn't believe him.

"Sure." Connor rolled his eyes, sighing as they met up with a nurse and he was connected to the IV yellow juice, going on his laptop immediately as Troye tried to talk to him.

"Con, please. What's wrong?" He asked, knowing the question was silly, but asking it anyway; what wasn't wrong?

"Seriously, babe? Everything. Everything's just- just- just falling apart. I'm fucking dying Troye. In... In three years at most I'll be dead. I'll be dead and there'll be people hurting because of it. I'm just hurting people!" Connor ranted, a mix of anger and sadness evident in his features as a hot tear slid down his cheek, his jaw clenching and unclenching.

"Stop worrying about the future, you're here now. What's the point of getting so upset over things you can't change? Yes, this is sad. I am sad and I don't want you to die, but... You only live once, Con. The glass is half full, not half empty. We're in this together, and you're gonna outlive the limits the doctors have said. You'll outlive one and a half years, at least. We got this."


	4. w e a k

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Unfortunately, the tumour is cancerous. And we've figured out that it's stage four Glioblastoma Multiforme. There is no found cure to it, but the treatment can make you survive for longer."
> 
> "It's definitely that?"
> 
> "Unfortunately, yes. I'll give you two a moment."

"Troye I can do it, I'm fine I'm fine." Connor waved Troye off, tying up his shoelace as Troye shook his head and bit his lip.

"Con, babe. Look at me." Troye requested quietly, and Connor stood up, smiling slightly when Troye cupped his jaw and placed a gentle kiss on his lips, "You can't go out for a run today. I know you want to, but it will not benefit your health anymore, kitten. I don't want you to accidentally make yourself weaker, alright?"

Connor looked down and nodded, sighing and slumping his shoulders slightly as Troye brought him in for a tight hug.

"I don't want to be weak." Connor mumbled into Troye's shoulder, bringing his arms around to grip onto Troye's t-shirt, "I want to go out for runs and go on hikes and swim and- and- and do things on my own and by myself but I can't so much anymore and it's scaring me, Tro." Connor ranted suddenly, nuzzling his cheek into Troye's neck as a frustrated and choked up sigh escaped his lips.

"I know, baby. Let's go to your room, yeah?" Troye suggested, since they were just stood in the lounge of the o2l house, Kian, the only other one in the house, up in his room. Connor nodded and let Troye take his hand and lead him to the bedroom they shared that was in place of the dining room area. "I really love you." Troye whispered, leaning over to kiss Connor's bald head delicately.

"I really love you, too, Tok." Connor replied quietly, smiling ever so slightly as he sat down on the bed and laid down on his back with a little yawn, stretching his arms up for a moment before he curled up and turned onto his side.

And Troye smiled, because Connor looked so at peace when he was sleepy; he didn't seem so tranquil as much anymore.

*        *        *

"Unfortunately, from what we can see, the tumour has grown. It's spreading, but it's not too fast. It's worse than the last scan, I'm afraid." The doctor told the two, beginning to ramble on and on about the cancer that was spreading and gesturing to the photo from the scan every now and then as Troye moved his hand into Connor's lap and grabbed Connor's hand, squeezing it gently when he saw how nervous and afraid and upset Connor seemed. He had to keep his feelings down; he wasn't the one who was _dying_.

"N-No improvement?" Connor repeated in a small voice, and Troye felt the slight tremor in his hand from the anxiousness, and leant over to press a kiss to Connor's shoulder.

"No. I'm sorry, Connor. We're doing all we can to slow growth of the tumour but-"

"So the... The chemoradiotherapy isn't helping? At all?" Connor asked, and the doctor nodded.

"It's not helping, no. But it could stop the symptoms and such being so severe. And it could stop it from spreading to the other hemisphere of your brain. It's up to you if you continue with the therapy, but I wouldn't recommend it." He explained, and Connor nodded sadly, glancing over at Troye, who steeled his softening face and smiled reassuringly at him, as if to say ' _you'll be okay_ '.

*        *        *

Connor slowly got up from the couch and walked towards the bathroom, only just making it in time to throw up the remnants of his meals of the day, a groan slipping past his lips with each wave of vomit.

He didn't realise that he was crying until he sat back, leaning against the wall with his knees brought up to his chest, and a salty tear dribbled down to his lips, forcing him to taste the bitterness. He sniffled and looked at the vomit, checking that there was no blood evident, before flushing the toilet and then sitting back on the tiled floor. He didn't want to go back out into the lounge to see Nicola, or Kian, Ricky and JC; he wanted Troye. Troye and sleep. He felt so drained, and all he'd done that day was eat, sit, talk and go on a short walk with Troye and Nicola to the park.

"Are you alright, hon?" Troye asked quietly, pushing the ajar door of the bathroom open a little more so he could slip in to see what had happened. He tilted his head at the tears running down Connor's face, that was getting more pale and gaunt as he got weaker. "From the chemo?" Troye continued, crouching down to be just slightly higher than Connor was as he sat and cried, though he nodded at Troye's second question. "Why the tears, baby? It's okay, you know that. It's just a side effect of the chemo." He sat down properly and opened his arms, happy when Connor shuffled forwards to sit in between Troye's open legs, a few sobs erupting from his throat.

"I don't- I don't want to do c-chemo anymore. Or- Or radiotherapy." Connor stuttered, sniffling and burying his face into Troye's comfort as Troye's body went rigid.

"Why not, love? I know it's hard but it'll help with the cancer spreading..." Troye trailed off as Connor began to shake his head incessantly, still allowing himself to sob quietly as he went against Troye's words.

"No! The doctor even- even said it's not helping. I want- I don't want- I don't like it! I hate it! I hate this! I don't- I just- I can't take the therapies _and_ dying, Tro. I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't." Connor sobbed, shouting some words and whimpering others as Troye just nodded and rubbed his back.

"That's your choice. We'll talk about it more when Nic's gone back to her hotel, alright?" Troye asked, and Connor nodded, letting out one last sob before trying to calm down.

They spoke later in the night, and Troye finally agreed to Connor stopping the therapy, though he might have cried a little after Connor fell asleep, his body drained from the crying and everything else. Troye cried because the chemotherapy and the radiotherapy were some of the last little strands of hope he was holding onto, but now they'd snapped.

It really hit him that night.

Connor was dying. _His_ Connor was dying. His _baby_ was dying and he couldn't do anything about it. He couldn't delay it, he couldn't stop it, he couldn't help it. There was no ifs or buts or ways of getting around it, it was a definite thing. In five years, Connor wouldn't be standing by his side anymore. Secretly, maybe even subconsciously, Troye wanted doctors to find some cure, he wanted Connor to be some miracle to the medical world.

But every cancer patient's family probably wanted that, so Troye just cried.

He couldn't imagine how Connor felt.

*        *        *

"I'm not hungry, Tro, but thanks." Connor said quietly, and Troye frowned. Connor hadn't eaten more than a slice of toast the whole day, and he was worried.

"Please, babe. You _need_ to eat. Especially when you're body's a little weaker." Troye pleaded, and Connor shook his head with a frown.

"It- It tastes weird. And I don't think that I'll be able to keep it down, love." He confessed, and Troye nodded, still frowning to himself as Connor slumped down and yawned, falling asleep quite quickly in the uncomfortable-looking position he was laying in on the couch.

Troye stayed sitting at Connor's feet, though he made sure to readjust Connor so he wouldn't get a neck cramp or anything, and went on his phone, glancing up at Connor every now and then and took a quick snapchat selfie of him with Connor asleep in the background, adding an angel emoji by Connor's softened face and adding the text, 'sleeping angel' to it before he posted it to his story. He knew Connor wouldn't mind, and the only thing he'd worry about would be how his hair, that was short but had started to grow back, thin and delicate.

Connor woke up an hour later, and was able to have a little bit to eat, before he asked something so bluntly and nonchalantly that Troye almost choked on the cookie he'd been eating.

"Want to have some sort of sex?" Connor asked with a sigh, raising an eyebrow when Troye spluttered and went a little red.

"Wha-What?" Troye stuttered, and Connor giggled slightly, sitting up slowly and shuffling over to Troye. No one else was home and one of the main reasons he wanted to was because he was _actually_ in the mood, and that didn't happen much anymore.

"Please? Not like... Butt stuff though. I just- something, I don't know. I don't want it as much anymore but right now I do so... Please, babe?" Connor requested, his eyes wide and his lips pouted as Troye nodded slightly.

"Okay, are we talking like... Handjobs? Or.. Or Blowjobs?"

Both were glad that they decided to do something that night because Connor was even less sexually active after the night, the fatigue and anxiousness and worry topping his need for sexual activity. He didn't seem able to get aroused so much anymore.

*        *        *

"Tro?" Connor asked, his voice more slurred as Troye's head whipped around, the sound of his voice like that normally indicating a seizure.

"Yeah, babe?" Troye walked over and tilted Connor's chin up from his seat on the couch.

"I- I feel weird." Connor sounded confused and in a daze as he told Troye this, who furrowed his eyebrows with a frown.

"Seizure weird?"

"No. I keep forgetting what I'm doing and what day it is and it's scaring me. Everything's cloudy." Connor said quietly, and Troye frowned a little more.

"Do you want me to call up the doctor?" Connor nodded a little, before holding out his hand and requesting that Troye helped him up.

"Can you, uh, can I have a bath, please?" Connor asked, and Troye nodded confusedly. "Can you help me? I don't- I can't..." Connor trailed off, his pale hand shaking ever so slightly in concentration as he and Troye slowly walked to the bathroom, where Troye began to fill the bath at a lukewarm temperature and undress Connor, ignoring his will to cry at how prominent Connor's ribs were. It wasn't Connor's fault.

*        *        *

Troye was calling the doctor. Connor was asleep.

Troye was arguing with the doctor, not wanting to accept facts.

" _Troye, please calm down. I think it will be best for both of you if-_ "

"No! I don't- I can care for him. He doesn't _need_ that. He's strong."

" _He's not, Troye. You and I both know that, and I'm afraid that I think his time's coming to a close. There's a hospice very close to your address though, and there is space there too. We can arrange for Connor to move in there whenever is suitable._ " Troye was silenced by the words, tears building up in his eyes, " _And I know this must be stressful for you, as well. Cancer patients aren't the only ones that suffer, alright? It will ease some stress. You'll still be able to see him a lot, and you can stay with him a lot of nights if you want to and he wants you to. It will be better for his health since a nurse can keep an eye on him all the time instead of you relying on yourself to spot little things. I promise I'm not trying to insult you and your capability to look after Connor, it's just that a professional carer seems like the best option._ "

Troye sniffled, blinking away tears as he looked up to see Ricky walk into the lounge, confused as to why Troye was awake, why Troye was on the phone, and why he was crying.

"I- Okay. Thanks, Doctor Stelk. I'll talk to- to Connor about it." Troye promised, ending the call as quick as he could before he put his head in his hands and let out a breathy sob as Ricky walked over uncertainly.

"What was the call about? I heard you raising your voice at the doctor." Ricky asked softly, sitting next to Troye and rubbing his back as Troye cried a bit. He needed a good cry.

"They, uh, they think it's time for Connor to move to a hospice. I know he's weak but- I just- I don't know... It's more real now. Hospice means he'll die soon. The doctor even said that he thinks-" Troye choked on his words and looked up suddenly, trying to blink away more tears and failing, "He thinks that Connor's time is coming to a close." Ricky gasped and hugged Troye tightly, though his eyes were pricking with tears too.

It wasn't just Troye that looked after Connor, even if it was mainly, it was the other guys in the house too. They all did their bits to help Connor around, especially when Troye had to go to the studio or a meeting, since he was still working at music on top of everything.

The room went silent, and the only thought reverberating around Troye's mind was,

_Could it really almost be over, after how hard we've fought for a year?_


	5. l o s t

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Unfortunately, the tumour is cancerous. And we've figured out that it's stage four Glioblastoma Multiforme. There is no found cure to it, but the treatment can make you survive for longer."
> 
> "It's definitely that?"
> 
> "Unfortunately, yes. I'll give you two a moment."

"I don't want to go." Connor's eyes were wide as he looked up at Troye desperately, and then down again at the wheelchair he'd been forced to use recently for a few days with an air of distaste. It was the day he was getting moved properly to the hospice down the road, and Troye was going with him for a week, knowing how anxious he'd get on his own in a new place with new people.

"I know, love." Troye soothed quietly, rubbing Connor's shoulder with his hand as Connor looked down.

"I feel so weak." He sighed, holding up his pale hands and examining how thin and fragile they looked, "Both literally and mentally."

"Baby... Come here." Troye requested softly, and Connor shuffled over a little to be within arms reach of Troye, smiling as Troye wrapped his long arms around him and brought him into a familiar embrace. "I love you. And I'll visit you so so so much." Troye promised, kissing Connor's head briefly as he felt Connor's smile against his shoulder.

"I love you, too."

"I know. Now let's get you to the car. Can you walk today?"

*        *        *

"Hey Tro?" Connor whispered quietly, his head resting on Troye's chest as they lay on the bed provided for Connor in the hospice, getting a hum in reply. "I'm scared."

"And why's that, love?" Troye asked quietly, craning his neck up from the fluffy pillow to glance down at Connor, rubbing his hand in circular motions on Connor's torso.

"Because- because I'm dying." Connor stuttered, struggling to say the last word as he chuckled emotionlessly, "I don't want to die, Troye. I want to travel the world and I want to- I want to see you go so far with your music but now you can't even fucking go on a tour because I'm too sick and you're worried about me and all your music is sadder and I'm holding you back and I don't want to but I don't want to lose you because I love you. I love you so fucking much, Troye." Connor was teary-eyed, and so was Troye.

"You're not holding me back. I'm waiting a while, because you matter more than going on tour, to me. I'm going to be here, like I promised when you first got diagnosed. Because I love you too, and I don't want to lose you at all but if it's what I get for falling in love with you I don't mind. In the words of The Fault In Our Stars, some infinities are just bigger than others. You have given me so much, Connor, even if you don't know it, alright?" Troye ranted, a single tear slipping down his cheek as Connor nodded and sniffled.

"You _are_ my forever, Troye. You're my first and my last love. You showed me so much and I appreciate that more than anything. I don't even know why I'm saying it right now, but I'm just scared I won't be able to, I guess. I hate to see you cry for my pain, I know you do that. Please.. Please don't."

Connor dozed off shortly after their conversation, his head nuzzled into Troye's chest and his body enveloped in a sweet-scented blanket as well as the comforter covering both him and Troye, but Troye couldn't fall asleep. He lay awake, worrying about how long Connor had left.

It wasn't long, he knew that.

*        *        *

Only a few months later, Connor had gotten so much worse.

But Connor knew that his time was coming to a close. He could feel it in his lungs, in his head, in his heart. They all tightened, even more than usual.

They were all tired. They had fought and fought for a year and a half, but now his lungs were useless; he had a cannula for breathing now. Now his heart was barely beating, the soft thuds laboured and unsteady. And his head? His head was filled with tumours. He could barely do anything anymore, he didn't know how anymore. He was too confused to. He was too upset or anxious to, and too calm and drowsy the next. He didn't have the energy to.

Every ounce of the energy he had was used to hold on to the life he knew he was losing. His rope was frayed, about to snap, but for now it was securely tied to the life he wanted. The life he needed.

Connor wasn't ready on the day that it happened, but he knew. Troye was there, and so were Tyler and Korey, and all three were oblivious. Troye thought it was just another bad day, walking into the hospice with the regular single red rose and to Connor's room that was decorated with scented candles and polaroid photographs.

"Troye." Connor whispered, his voice hoarse but his smile wide as Troye walked in with Tyler and Korey trailing behind him. Troye grinned back at his love and sat down beside Connor's bed, waiting to see if Connor was up for speaking that day.

"Hey, baby. How are you feeling today?" Troye asked with a soft smile, reading the pained expression on Connor's face sadly as Connor blinked slowly, not able to get the words he wanted out. "It's okay if you can't talk today, love. You know how much I can talk." Troye chuckled shallowly as he said that, beckoning Tyler and Korey over from the closed door. He'd begun to accept Connor's oncoming death a lot more, or he at least pretended to in front of Connor. In reality, he was nowhere near ready for what was to come. "Look who's here to visit, Con." Troye cooed, gesturing to Tyler and Korey as Connor's tired eyes strained to trail across the room slowly and land on his two friends, a lazy smile taking over his face when he saw them.

"Hey Con Bon, we'll sit over here till Troye's talked to you, yeah?" Korey said with a grin, and Connor just blinked in recognition, his eyes back on Troye as Troye tilted his head.

"T..." Connor breathed out, his breaths already becoming quicker at the simple action of talking, and Troye leant closer to listen to the words Connor was trying to say, "I don't... Want die..." Connor whispered hoarsely, his expression desperate as Troye took a steadying breath.

"Con, what are you talking about, my lovely?" He asked nervously, and Connor sighed as his hands shook, looking down at the clip now permanently monitoring his heartbeat and his oxygenation via being attached to his pale thumb and then looked back up at Troye's beautiful blue eyes.

"I f-feel... Hurts..." Connor choked out, blinking a few times as Troye tilted his head, "I kn-know... I die... S-soon.." Connor told Troye, managing a tiny nod as Troye shook his head rapidly.

"No, baby, you're strong I know you'll make it-" Troye started, but was interrupted by Connor's shaking hand gently guiding his own to lay over Connor's chest, above his heart.

"It's... Tired..." Connor whispered, trying to take a deep breath into his tired lungs, ignoring the dull ache he'd become so accustomed to, so that he had some strength to continue.

"You can sleep, love. It's okay, we'll be right here when you wake up." Troye promised, misunderstanding what Connor had said, and Connor shook his head weakly with a shallow sniffle. Korey and Tyler perked up from the corner, listening in to the quiet conversation curiously when they heard the loud breath from Connor.

"I... Not ready.. You not... Where I go..." Connor's words were slightly slurred as they always were at that point, but Troye had learnt to put together the sentences Connor was trying to say quite well, knowing what Connor meant.

"Shh, baby, I know you can hold on, you're strong." Troye assured Connor as he saw the distress written across Connor's features, and the fear. Anyone could see the fear displayed in his green eyes, the eyes that used to be so bright and cheerful. Now they were scared. Scared and tired. "You're so strong, kitten."

"Tr-Tro.. No. I feel... Going... Can't.. Hol- Hold on... Long..." Connor told Troye, his tone sad as Troye's eyes widened and began to fill with tears. He knew he should've called one of the nurses, who were scheduled to check on Connor every two hours, though they were only a few rooms across if needed.

"Please, please not now, Connor." Troye begged, and Connor averted his gaze, feeling as though he was disappointing Troye. Why did he have to be so weak?

"S-Sorry... Lo-love you..." He mumbled, and Troye shook his head with a sniffle.

"I love you too- You don't have to apologise, I just don't want you to- I don't want you to leave me." Troye choked out, and it was obvious to anyone, even Connor's struggling and hazy mind, that Troye was on the verge of sobbing every tear he'd refused to let out since Connor said he hated to see Troye cry for his pain. Connor didn't want anyone else to sympathise his pain, so Troye had vowed to try to keep his emotions at bay; he had to stay calm and stay strong for Connor.

"I don't... W-want to too.." Connor told Troye, lifting his weak hand again and putting it on Troye's chest the way he'd put Troye's on his. "Your's beats g-good.." He murmured to himself, and Troye nodded with a sniffle.

"It beats for you, Con." Troye whispered truthfully, ignoring the sniffles he could hear from behind him as Tyler and Korey watched the scene silently, scared into silence; they didn't want to interrupt the moment, knowing it could be the last shared between the two. Troye grasped Connor's hand that was slowly falling from his chest and held it carefully, the coldness of it making him shiver as he felt the bones in Connor's fingers; he was so fragile. "It always has."

"Mine... Failing... Too tight.." Connor whimpered, allowing himself to portray the pain more clearly, closing his eyes for a moment to take another breath that was extremely deep and steadying to him, but to anyone else was as shallow as the ones taken during a panic attack.

"Do you want me to call a nurse, baby?" Troye asked quietly, his voice failing him as the emotion crept up his throat and he glanced over at the heart monitor, hating the beats that were slowing down. It almost looked peaceful, but he knew that Connor was scared. No. Connor was terrified.

"N-no. If... Die... I die h-here... With y-you." Connor decided, giving Troye's hand a light squeeze as his heart literally skipped a beat; it was tired. He was tired, but his lungs didn't even have the energy to ask for air, so they sat motionless; the air being pushed in and out of them softly by the tube entering Connor was just enough.

"I'm right here." Troye whispered softly, and Connor nodded, his lips twitching up at the corners as Troye sniffled and ran a hand through his brown curls anxiously.

"Y-your... Hair pretty." Connor told Troye quietly, and Troye let out a breathy laugh, thanking Connor sincerely with a bittersweet smile.

"You look pretty too, Con Bon. So pretty." Troye shot back honestly, bringing his hand that was shaking ever so slightly from nerves to brush over the skin of Connor's pale cheek, moving his thumb soothingly when he noticed the fluttering of Connor's eyes. "You can sleep, baby. I'm right here." He repeated his sentence from earlier, and it seemed to wake Connor up as he shook his head weakly.

"N-no.. I don't... want die i... in sleep." Connor told Troye, who shook his head and moved his hand to rest on Connor's chest lightly, feeling the faint thuds that were definitely slower, weaker, gentler than usual.

"Even if you do, I'm right here. I love you and I'll hold your hand through it all." Troye promised in a whisper, not trusting himself to talk too loud in case his voice cracked or he broke down. He held Connor's pale and bony hand gently in his free hand, leaving the other to rest on Connor's chest so he knew if his heart was beating.

"I- love y... you- Troye Siv.. Sivan." Connor got out drowsily, squeezing Troye's hand weakly before allowing his tired eyes to fall shut, and he felt himself beginning to drift away. Whether it was to sleep or to death he was unsure, but he was peaceful. Troye sniffled, letting a few tears drip down onto Connor's bedsheets as he whimpered pathetically, removing his hand from Connor's chest for a moment to wipe furiously at his nose and eyes. He placed his hand back onto Connor's chest and felt the slowing of his heartbeat, and saw it on the machine beside the bed.

"Is.. Is he okay?" Tyler asked timidly, biting his lip as Troye turned, seeming to have only just remembered that they were there.

"I don't think so, Ty." He stated simply, gritting his teeth and smiling sadly as one of the nurses rushed in, alerted to do so by what was showing on the machine, that was connected to the office of nurses.

"Uh, Troye?" Katherine asked quietly, and Troye looked over at her with tear-filled eyes, still gripping onto Connor's cold hand with one of his and laying the other over Connor's heart. "I think its time, love." She warned him, walking over to the machine to check up on things, shaking her head and biting her lip at the slow heartbeat.

"I know." Troye whispered, his gaze back on Connor as he squeeze Connor's hand gently, before his eyes widened as the beeps from the heart monitor stopped for a moment and then sped up again, rapid lines rendering onto the machine as Connor's heart raced unnaturally fast. "I love you, Connor." He whispered, watching as a tiny frown settled on Connor's unconscious face, and then subsided as his heart beats slowed again, ending up slower than before. A few more tears trickled down Troye's face as he leant down to kiss Connor's chest, closing his eyes for a moment to let more tears desperately escape his eyes and land on Connor's sheets.

A tiny, desperate sob escaped Troye as the heartbeats continued to slow, until Connor took in a sharp exhale, and then the heart monitor let out a loud, incessant beep, telling Troye over and over that Connor's heart had stopped. Connor wasn't going to breathe out, nor would his heart start back up, as much as Troye stupidly hoped for it to. It wasn't happening.

"He's gone." Katherine stated the obvious sadly, and Troye just nodded, his face still buried into Connor's chest, no longer hearing the beats there that used to lull him to sleep. He wanted to see Connor's green eyes again, he wanted to make him smile, and he wanted to hear his laugh. But he was dead. He'd died in Troye's arm, and his grip was now non-existent on Troye's hand, the only force keeping it laced with his being Troye's own hand.

"Tro..." Korey said, distraught at the sight of his two friends.

One dead, and one lost.


	6. g r i e f

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Unfortunately, the tumour is cancerous. And we've figured out that it's stage four Glioblastoma Multiforme. There is no found cure to it, but the treatment can make you survive for longer."
> 
> "It's definitely that?"
> 
> "Unfortunately, yes. I'll give you two a moment."

"Hey guys," Troye started sadly, his hands shaking slightly as he looked anywhere but the camera he was talking to, his eyes filling with tears before he even started the video as he took a deep breath and let his eyes focus on the camera, "You may have noticed my absence from social media lately... And Connor's... Uh, I just wanted to make this video to tell you guys that-" He couldn't talk for a moment, his eyes glossy as he looked down and swallowed harshly, "That- that Connor, uh, he.. He's... Connor passed away two weeks ago." 

He sniffled and wiped his nose when he said that, and then let himself look back into the camera, swearing to himself softly, "I'm not editing this video, I can't." He mumbled, fiddling with his fingers and then continuing, "Uh.. When he- when he died, he was asleep, and he- he knew that it was-" Troye sniffled again, bringing up his shaky hand to wipe away a tear from his bloodshot eyes. How he hadn't run out of tears yet he had no clue, "He knew that it was his time, and he said goodbye to me and- and that he loves me and I-" His voice had slowly gotten more choked, up and he let out a quiet sob at that point, blinking rapidly to try and rid his eyes of the salty tears. He was fed up of them, they needed to go. 

"I miss him. But, yeah. He's not hurting anymore. And he- he was so strong through it all and so happy to that last day, and I know that he loves you all a lot too..." He trailed off, not even bothering to wipe away the now constant stream of tears dribbling down his cheeks. "I'm sorry." He whimpered, a bitter laugh slipping through as he sniffled again and wiped some tears from his pale cheeks. 

He wanted Connor to be there to wipe them away for him.

"Uh, yeah, that's- that's all I wanted to say. I know that- I know that this is up on both Connor and I's channels but I- I can't make this video twice, I just- I can't. I love you all so much. Thank you for-" Another defeated sob left his exhausted body as he continued, "Thank you for all of your support through Connor's fight against cancer. If you- If you want to do something in grief of Connor's death I might put some links to cancer charities down below, but if not I'm- I'm sure you'll be able to find some." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, "I love you guys so fucking much. I'll try to come back online a little more s-soon. Bye." He shut off the camera with a heavy sob, taking a few minutes once it was turned off to cry into Connor's sheets, breathing in the scent of Connor that the pillows still held, and smiling bittersweetly at the softness of the duvet that he and Connor had spent countless hours cuddling underneath.

He missed him.

*        *        *

There was a knock on Connor's bedroom door a day later, and after the visitor got no reply, the door was opened, and in walked Laurelle and Shaun, their hearts breaking at the sight in front of them.

"Oh Tok..." Laurelle whispered, wandering over to the bed that Troye was gripping onto tightly in his sleep, cuddling a pillow where Connor's body should've been, and sitting by her son's pale figure, that seemed slightly thinner than it had been last time she saw him. She hoped he was eating well. Shaun sat on the other side of Troye, getting a view of his monotonous facial expression, though the tear tracks marking his cheeks and the way his hands shook slightly, even in the state of unconsciousness he seemed to be, suggested he wasn't so emotionless as he appeared. Maybe he hid it from everyone.

"Tro, baby?" Shaun asked, putting his hand on Troye's shoulder, smiling sadly as Troye just mumbled something about five more minutes in reply, his voice croaky and not sounding like it belonged to him.

They got Troye awake about ten minutes later, disheartened when he just smiled weakly at them in greeting instead of his usual, bubbly hug and cheek-kisses. He wasn't himself.

"Hey." He got out, his jaw stiff as he tried his best to not cry on his usual sources of comfort.

"Hey Tokkie. We wanted to visit and make sure you're okay." Laurelle told him, resting her hand on his leg as he shook his head, staring at the ceiling and laughing bitterly.

"I'm not." He stated, throwing his arm over his face to cover his eyes carelessly as his mother sighed.

"I know, baby. I worry about you, is all." Laurelle said, and Shaun nodded in agreement as Troye stayed silent.

"Do you want a hug, T?" Shaun asked, and Troye shook his head in a stubborn way, letting out a breath. "Why not?"

"I-" Troye started, before he wordlessly changed his mind and shook his head again, scrunching his eyes shut and reaching his arms out aimlessly for comfort, choking out a sob when Laurelle scooted over and wrapped her arms around her baby, whispering that he'd be okay when she saw the tears. Shaun joined on the cuddle, his hug more protective than Laurelle's was; he just wanted his boy to be protected from the harmful world outside.

"Let it out baby," Laurelle requested, cuddling Troye closer as he sobbed again and buried his face into her shoulder, curling up like a baby, "It'll do you good."

*        *        *

Troye was crying as he looked through Twitter a day after, but his tears were thankful. Everyone was just being so... Nice to him. They all seemed to understand that he wasn't going to be himself for a long while, and that he wasn't going to be working for a while either. The fans had gotten #ripconnorfranta trending, as well as #weloveyoutroye worldwide, and it made Troye smile a little bit.

'#ripconnorfranta he was such a precious person, i hope his loved ones are okay'

'#ripconnorfranta nobody deserves this. i hope you lay in peace in heaven <3'

' _#weloveyoutroye you're strong and we believe in you. stay safe <3_'

' _#weloveyoutroye you're an incredible human for staying with connor right through to his last breath. it must've comforted him lots_ '

' _#ripconnor sometimes the most undeserving people get ripped from this earth. connor didn't deserve this_ '

*        *        *

Troye knew he was going to cry. He may have gotten better at being less negative, but he was still grieving. You can't rush the process.

He wasn't ready for the funeral; that meant saying goodbye to his love, forever. It would somehow make it more real.

And he'd been picked to write a eulogy for Connor. He knew he wanted to, but he didn't know if he'd be able to keep it together. He was about to find out, the paper shaking in his hands as it was his turn. He got up and walked to the front, stood beside the coffin that Connor would permanently lay in, though he was wearing his favourite sweatshirt of Troye's with his favourite pair of sweatpants on. Troye thought that was how Connor would be most comfortable.

"Connor was my boyfriend, but he was so much more than that: my best friend, my mentor, my idol. Many of you know him as family and a friend, but whatever the relation we all know him as a man who played many different roles.

"He was the bright and beautiful man that managed to sweep me off my feet at first glance. He was the best friend to many. He was the heart and soul of common culture. He was innocent and undeserving of this terminal illness that shoved his life down a different path. He was strong, even in his weakest moments. He was an inspiration.

"And we all have memories of Connor. I want to share some of my most precious with you now, but I'm not so good at talking... I thought I'd play a song I wrote for him a while ago instead. I would sing it, but I don't think I'll be able to without breaking down." Troye sniffled as he watched someone put the CD with 'for you.' printed in a fancy font into the player, and smiled to himself as he remembered the tender moment he and Connor shared when he played it to him, just a month or so before Connor started to go down hill. It wasn't released yet, but Troye planned on putting it out and having all the money made from it go towards cancer charities. He could see the music video he wanted to make for it already; he wanted to use footage he'd taken of Connor when he was deteriorating, of course only showing the good moments, and footage of Connor and himself before cancer happened. All the good moments.

Troye's eyes skimmed the people sat, some weeping to themselves and others swaying slightly to the music, to see Cheryl, Peter and Connor's siblings sat crying together, right at the front. Cheryl sent Troye a comforting, motherly smile when she caught her gaze, the tears building up in her eyes. Her eyes reminded Troye of Connor; Connor's entire family reminded him of Connor. Their green eyes. Their laughs. Their hair. Their personalities.

He wasn't aware that he was crying until a tear dripped down onto his pale, quaking hand and made him jump.

The song was almost over.

When the song finished, Troye stood.

"My lasting memories of Connor are simple; a hard-working, passionate figure of strength who never waned in his support or love of his family, and who soldiered on, even when times were tough. Heck, he even tried to comfort _me_ on his worst days.

"It is a great privilege to write this eulogy to express the sadness that all of us here share over his loss. Connor, thank you for everything you've given me – and the love we shared during your precious time on earth. God bless you. Always."


	7. a f t e r

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Unfortunately, the tumour is cancerous. And we've figured out that it's stage four Glioblastoma Multiforme. There is no found cure to it, but the treatment can make you survive for longer."
> 
> "It's definitely that?"
> 
> "Unfortunately, yes. I'll give you two a moment."

"Troye, babe?" Kyan said softly, biting his lip as he caressed his husband's cheek, "Baby, get up. I made you breakfast."

Troye slowly let his eyes flutter open and blinked a few times to get used to the lighting. Then, he squinted up at Kyan, shooting him a small smile to say good morning.

"Morning, love." Troye wondered why Kyan was being so careful with him in those words, since his voice was softer and more hesitant than usual.

Troye's smile fell.

He suddenly knew why Kyan was treating him like he was fragile; it was September twelfth.

September twelfth was always a particularly difficult day of the year for Troye– that, and June second.

September twelfth was Connor's birth day, and June second was Connor's death day.

Even fifteen years later Troye found those days difficult. Even with his husband and daughter to help him through.

"Oh." Troye mumbled, clenching his jaw. He turned over abruptly, and buried his face into the fabric of his pillow.

"Are you wanting breakfast today, dearium?" Kyan tried, lifting a hand to rest on Troye's shoulder and rub comfortingly. Troye only shrugged off the touch.

"Not hungry." he decided bluntly.

"Okay- me and Mai will be downstairs if you want to come down."

Troye was ever so lucky to have Kyan be so understanding of everything. He never once got mad at Troye for grieving over Connor, or for the fact that Troye still loved Connor. Connor was different from everyone else, because he was Troye's best friend as well as first love.

Kyan was just so understanding; he knew Troye wanted to be alone on certain days that reminded him of Connor, and he knew to let Troye go to the cemetery alone.

Troye spent the next half an hour searching for the willpower to get out of bed and face the day ahead, and once he did he changed into some darker clothes. The wound of Connor's death always seemed fresher on that day of the year, as if someone had torn apart the well-healed scar just to bring back the pain and laugh at Troye's misery.

"Morning." Troye said quietly as he walked into the kitchen. Kyan smiled lovingly at him and walked over to kiss his cheek as Mai looked up from her bowl of lucky charms.

"Daddy! Morning!" She squealed happily, smiling with her teeth at her father. She tilted her head when he didn't smile back, and pouted.

"Daddy give me cuddles!" She demanded, successfully pulling a smile up on Troye's lips.

"Alright, but Daddy's going out in a little bit, baby. So not for too long." Troye explained softly, walking over and lifting the five year old up.

He cradled her close, tightening the muscles in his jaw as he got emotional over nothing. He stroked her long brown hair and nuzzled his face into her neck with his eyes closed tightly. Connor had always said that when they adopted they should get a girl with brown wavy hair and green eyes, just like Mai.

"Is you sad, Daddy?" Mai asked, but got no response. Troye just took in a deep breath, getting a whiff of the strawberry scented shampoo he'd used to wash Mai's hair the night before.

"No, Maiby, I just need to do something today." Troye said again, removing his face from her neck to look into her forest green eyes.

"Can I go too?" Mai asked, tilting her head again as she awaited Troye's answer.

"No, baby, I'm afraid you can't." Troye swallowed harshly at Mai's next question.

"Why not?" Her voice was whiny, and Kyan just watched from his seat at the breakfast bar. Mai didn't really know who Connor was, but she knew he was an _old friend_ of Troye's.

"I'm visiting Connor today." Troye said, trying his best to gather up a smile as his voice wavered at the name. Mai clapped excitedly.

"I wanna go now though! I never met Connor yet but you talk about him lots, Daddy! Please-"

"No, Mai." Troye said firmly, taking a deep breath before he set Mai back down on her stool and head to the door to get his shoes on. "I'm off now. See you two later."

*        *        *

On the way to the cemetery Troye bought some flowers for Connor (a bouquet of Forget Me Nots and Chrysanthemums) and a small photo of him and Connor to place on the grave. He always liked to leave a special something for Connor when he visited.

"Hey, love. It's been a while, huh?" Troye started once he'd made his way through the cemetery to get to Connor's grave. He knew the place like the back of hand by that point.

"I brought you flowers again. Different ones this time," Troye paused to let out a bittersweet laugh, "and since you were always so interested in what each kind of flower meant, I brought ones that mean something to me. A Forget Me Not symbolises true love and memories– I don't know, it just– it made me think of you. We have a lot of memories, so..." Troye sniffled to himself, just then noticing the tears brewing in his cerulean blue eyes. "Fuck– I promised myself I wouldn't cry this time." Troye got out, letting a tear fall before he knelt down on the grass in front of Connor's well-kept grave.

"As– As I was saying, uh, then I got you some.. I forget how to pronounce it, but some Chrysanthemums. These mean a lot, because of the different colours, but I got you all different colours because you mean a lot too. Uh– they mean cheerfulness and rest, I love, truth and wonderful friend. I didn't get you any yellow ones of these, even though that was your favourite colour, because it means slighted love."

Troye stopped talking to wipe his tears again, and placed the flowers down by the gravestone, not trusting himself to look at what was engraved into the stone. He always lost it when he read that, so he just avoided it with each visit. He knew it said Connor was never to be forgotten as an amazing son, brother, friend and boyfriend, and something about his life length and his fight with cancer.

"I brought this too– it's from our New Year's Eve together in Perth. It was the last New Year's Eve you spent cancer free, and I remember how scared to meet so many of my Perth friends you were because you though they'd hate you– which was silly because who could hate you, Con? Everyone loved you. But yeah, I got a copy of the photo of our New Year's Kiss. Happy birthday, my love." Troye let out another choked up laugh as soon as he stopped talking.

With great care, he placed the photograph just in front of the bouquet of flowers, and then just knelt there in silence for a few minutes to think about Connor and only Connor.

"Oh– Troye?!" A group of people from behind him distracted Troye from his thoughts and memories of Connor, and he turned to see Cheryl, Peter, Nicola, Brandon and dustin.

Fuck, he thought he came too early to bump into them.

"Hi." he mumbled, looking back down at Connor for a moment. Then he got up and brushed off his dark jeans, smiling weakly at the family there to grieve for their lost son and brother.

"I– I'll be going now. Lovely seeing you all though." Troye said, biting his lip as he turned to leave. He had lost contact with the Frantas over the years, but was still Facebook friends with them, that was about it.

"No, please stay." Nicola said quietly, her hand wrapped around Troye's wrist. Troye turned slowly, but the family only smiled comfortingly at him.

"Come sit with us. We brought him a birthday cake." Cheryl said, chuckling to herself when she held up the white box.

And so the group spent the next hour talking about Connor and how much they missed him, and each had a slice of the small chocolate cake after singing happy birthday to Connor.

Troye could only hope Connor was there to join them in spirit.

*        *        *

Troye got back home after dinner, an extremely long time after he left, to see Kyan and Mai playing in the lounge. He always spent the day alone, and would sit in parks he and Connor used to have picnic dates and walks at to just think about everything, anything and nothing.

Troye smiled at them both, genuinely this time, and went to sit by Kyan. Slowly, Troye cuddled up to his husband, and sighed contentedly.

"You feeling better than this morning, baby?" Kyan checked, and Troye nodded with a yawn.

"I bumped into Connor's family at his grave, which was painful at first, but then it was nice. They brought a cake for him and we all had a slice while we spoke about him. It was just really nice– I don't know. I feel lighter now." Troye tried to explain, and Kyan laughed at the last sentence, kissing all over Troye's cheek.

"That's good, my sweetness." Kyan hummed, continuing his random kisses until one landed on Troye's lips, that were erupting giggles.

"Thank you for being so amazing with this." Troye mumbled, leaning his head back on Kyan's shoulder as he shut his eyes briefly.

"It's no problem. It's only twice a year, and it seems to do you good. If you need to do it to stay happy, then who in their right mind would stop you?"

Troye only shrugged at Kyan's words, and sighed out happily again.

"Fuck, I love you."

Kyan giggled in response, his eyes darting over to Mai, who'd stopped playing with her dollies to look at Troye with wide eyes.

"Language, Mister Mellet." Kyan warned playfully, poking Troye's tummy. Then he rested his head atop of Troye's and sighed out in a way just as content as Troye felt. "FYI, I love you a heck of a lot too."


End file.
